Life Is Good vs. Life Is Not Good

"What is happiness? What does it mean to smile from the bottom of my hearth? Why do they care whether i'm happy or not? Why can't they just worry about them self? Why can't they just worry about their own happiness? Why must they try to make me happy? Don't they know that one things for sure is that if their happy, i'm happy? I want people to be happy, to feel good, to have a good time when i'm around or when their with me. ... I don't want people to regret it... Maybe.. if i pretend to be happy enough, ill actually believe i'm happy.. but the problem is.. that i have to feel at least the slightest amount of that feeling.. to use that emotion to hide how i really feel... it happened a few times... i haven't even thought of cutting my self... but now.... .. i.. want to.. i'm thinking about it.. i feel like it's the only thing that can make me feel better.. to keep my mind out of the things that makes me sad."
(^what i wrote i'm my "book/journal" this morning...)
reading this now makes me sad to even think about it... but it is true... i.. ..i know that i'm not the only one who feels sad and etc. and that their are worst out their and other stuff... but... .. i don't know... i feel like i don't know anything anymore.. that i don't know anything.... i would ask... and its probably wrong and probably i'm working up so much over nothing... but.. its just.. making.. me ... i don't know... ... maybe i'm more scared of knowing than not knowing..... i think i would rather know .. but... i don't know... what if it is right? what if... ... i don't know... what if it was right... and then i cant do anything.. i cant tell anyone how i really feel... i .. get scared... i don't know why... but... i guess i am...  ... ... what am i scared of? ... i don't know... i don't even know... its hard for me to even know how i feel..... .. stupid right? ... i know.. .. not! i don' know!! I DONT KNOW ANYTHING!!! ugh!!! ........... ..... i don't know.........................................................................................................................................
... probably the feeling when i say i don't know is actually emptiness?? what if that anger is actually jealousy? WHat iS jealousy? what does it mean to be jealous? ............ maybe that sadness is also loneliness.. i know that their are a lot of people their, that their is sooo many of them to  help me, to comfort me.... but.................... i don't know... ................................. .. i don't like  questions that doesn't have an answer to it.. my curiosity will eat me up.. trying to figure what it is... .. i like to know everything... ................... everything.... ..................................i don't like knowing that i only know a little bit of information... ... if i have at least one speck of info.. i .. my curiosity will try to figure out what if is, what it all is.. what is everything......... ....................... thinking makes me think a lot... but after a wile... all of a sudden .. i .. just forget.. i forget everything...... i don't know what is happening or what i was thinking about and etc.... i like when that happens... because then i don't have to worry about anything... .... .... the more i write/type.. the more i forget...
... this place was suppose to be like a journal... a ?diary?.. just something to write/type about what happened in my life so that i wont forget... since my memory skills is horrible...to keep track... ..... but soon... it became a place where i can just write/type whatever it is that was bugging me.. thats bothering me.. thats worrying me... the things that i cant tell people...then.. it become a place where i go to when im sad.......... but now.... .. its............... ... not helping... at least before.... ... probably... because i wasn't feeling like how i used to feel... how i felt before i met him... i was happy for a wile.. he made me happy... i smile just thinking about him... but............. i.....now.. i feel..... i don't know...... .. i don't know... ... .................................... maybe i'm just worrying too much.... worrying over something thats... unimportant...

Little By Little

i did something i had never done before... i looked over and read my post... i never do that.... never... till now...... all i have to say is... that ive changed.... not that much though, little by little...

Random

i can choose to either ignore/forget what happened and move along or get angry/mad/pissed about it. and when i get sooo freaking mad, i will do all that i can to make that person sooo freaking miserable, i will torture that person as much as i can. and since i wont give a freak, i woudnt care if i get in trouble or whatever, i will just do as i I. please. ......sometimes... i think about ...being ...really mean... i guess you could say... ....................... forget about this... watever...
...... regret..... R.E.gret.... this word........ ... ive been thinking about it for a very long time... i cant get it out.... whenever i forget, their will be something that will make me remeber... ..........
being called a bully kinda hurts.... but i would still laugh at it...
i would still laugh at the things that bothered me... i just dont want others to be worried and etc....
but it deos feel nice when someone says sorry for something that they thing is... "fcked up" even though i was used to it or watever... it... kinda make me happy that they even remembered that aftre its been so long and said sorry and stuff and ....... yea............
explaining thins is so hard...............
 explaining things at my perspectice is dificult..............
ever since i saw those movies, ive been scared... to be even more alone....
sometimes it feels as if im alone even though their is a lot of ppl around or/and know that im not alone...
life...........
twilight...... .... i feel bad for saying... what that was the new movie...uhhh... forgot what it was called even thoug i sumwat knew... not really... just forgot at that time... but still..
im lazzyy...
i wonder which one i would prefer, to b scared of not knowing or scared of knowing..... worded weirdly but wutever....
i try not to thin kabout it... but ... how can i when its here..... its stupid to hate.... for a long time....
........ wutever...
i like those who feel confident about them selves
i find it preety cool
ans awesome
...

The smell of death

yesterday morning, as i went to feed the rest of the guinea pigs, i noticed that the other one is .. acting all weird.. kinda expected it to die when i got home but it was still a shock to me... its sad....

.... my weekend was horrible... didnt like it ... felt.. kinda sad.. ofter i heard those.. thingies... its bothering me for the past couple or few days now, and its not just that thats bothering me now, it was other stuff too,... more sh-stuff was............. ... wateevr .. dont feel like saying it or watevr......... i............... i just want to forget about all this... .........kinda did a little but........ ughhh................... ........... 

... bro is anoyying me so freaking much... i just wanna.... like..... ...........hmmm................... even though i want to do those things that im thinking right now, i wont do it so i cant really say it............ i guess the better and nicer way .. is making him cry...... but then i still feel bad at the end when he was the one in the wrong..... but wutever...... im mostly the one who always have to apoligize or clean up or watever even though others were in the wrong and not me... .....wutever........... wutever is all i have to say... just gotta live with it..........

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funny how i have so much of thought im thinking right now and i only say/introduce/wutever this little..
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so... my mom left the dead siblings in a box.. it started to stink up my room.... it smelled soooooo bad..... mom had to put it in a few plastic bags and had to spray some wutever its called that makes things smell nice sooo much for the past few days...........
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i like being different. you stand out more, and your not .. plain... original...the same... i consider being weird as being different , and i take that as a compliment. ... i lke to be someone that youll have to remember... ... i dont want to be forgotten... you know.... .... i dont know............. nevermind...........
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I say things that I don't mean

... So ... My guinea pig ... Two of them died.. :'( .... The first one.. Vanilla, who was almost like an albino..
I think it died bc it was too cold and she was skinny... It happend on Saturday, November 3, 2012, around 
1o'clock pm. ... The storm was coming to an end.. And I was at church during that time.. It had been 5-6 years
Since I last whent to that church.. Everyone remembered me and I had to admit I was happy... I though that they 
Would forget me and stuff and be like "who ate you?" Which some did, and think I was new or someone who 
Came to their anneversery... They moved to a new place... I went to see how they were doing and bc my 
Grandma told me that they ask about me and etc. but as I met some people... They reminded me why I 
Stopped going their.. At least I think that's why... I think their was another reason... I also whent to the church 
To remember some memories... ... .. So.. Once it was starting .. I felt left out.. Excluded... So I went and sat 
All the way at the back all by myself. ... ... As the thing went on.. I got a message .. Saying that their was bad 
News and that Vanilla had died an hour ago (died around 1:00) I got kinda sad... Then my bro went and said 
That it was my wish.... ......... I got even more sad... And even more as they were talking and it seemed as if they 
Forgot that I can read what they were saying and soon I started to cry... I tried to stop... But... I coudnt control 
It anymore... The tears kept flowing out and was dripping on my sweater... I was about to cry really loud or 
Ugly cry but I tried to stop it... It was hard... ... What they said really gutted me... I .. Didn't know what to  do
.. Say... Whatever... And no one was their to comfort me... And... The one I really wanted to talk to.. I was 
Afraid.. To even check up on what that person was doing.. I was just sitting their at the back all alone crying  
To myself... But of course that wasn't the only reason why I was crying so much... It was other stuff... Stuff 
That I keep in... From before... ... I tend to do that... When something bothers me or stuff.. I.. Would think 
About it first... I want to tell someone.. Mostly that one person... But I would always... ... You could say 
Chicken out... It was always hard for me to express my emotions, thoughts, opinions, etc to people... 
I guess it's just that I don't want to bother that person... Make that person worry... I don't want people to do 
That to me... I don't want to be in the center of attraction.. To be thought of badly... I .. Didn't want to rely 
On people to much... I would rather have it the other way around... But when that happens... I just don't know 
What to do... I'm no help... I'm so useless... And I know that's a fact and that others think of it too... It.. Feels 
As if I am complaining so much on something useless... Complaining to much... To that person... And I 
That person tells me that if I was that that persons would tell me... But... It's just... ... So... Ugh... I don't know 
To explain it... To me it just feels that way and that affects my actions... ... So... As I sat their... Crying... I ...
Complained to the only person that was their and the person that everyone told me that would always be their 
And told me that talkin to him would feel better and nice and etc... I was asking him why? I think... That's 
All I remember... ... So I tried to pay attention to what was hapening and it got my mind off of those stuff...
At the end of the day... I kinda got better when people remembered me and was complementing me... I accepted  
Them bc... It made me feel better at that time... And they made me feel ... Welcomed... ... A feeling that I never 
Felt when I was their before... It .. Was nice...  At some point... I coudnt take it so I just called that person...
I tried to tell that person what had happend and how I felt... But... I coudnt ... It was kinda awkword cuz I 
Was silent for a wile.. And I knew that I was wasting time ... Which I knew that that person hated... So... 
I just... ... ....... I don't know.. I don't remember... ... .............. At some point a friend tried to make me feel better...
But... I think it just made it worse... But I appreciated it that friend tried .....  ... ....... It was at the night of the 
Election Day... I went to check up on them... Since.... I didn't feed them in the morning and feed them at night
...  I found that the other guinea pug was ... Sick... On the verge of dying... I was kinda sad... As I was trying 
To feed the other guys... They were running around... And stripping on him .. It was mean.. So I stopped right 
Away.... My bro yelled at me... I hate being yelled at it someone yelling at another person... And called me 
Stupid and stuff which I also hate ( I know I am stupid and stuff snd it's okay if they make fun of it... But I just 
Don't like being yelled at belie being called stupid... )  it got me sad... I said that I didn't care meaning I didn't 
Care about feeding them and for him to do it instead but hW thought I said tht I don't care about the guinea pig 
But I did... I got even more sad...  ... I tried to hold bak the tears bc I feel as if I am crying too much and 
That I am running away .. Which I'm not... ... I ... Was holding it in... I wanted to cry in the arms of the one 
I want... But I coudnt... ... In the morning... Chocolate (also known as ChoCho) died... I was sad... But I knew 
It was going to happen... ..... I tried to take it out of the cage and put it in a box ... But my fear kept getting to 
Me... I didn't want to do it and wanted to stop... But... I didn't want to live In fear... And I didn't want to keep  
On running away... So......... I did what I had to do....... ................. At night... ... Mom got angry at me... She 
Got upset... Very upset... ................. At the end... She said that I had gotten what I want... But that wasn't what 
I wanted... I didn't mean it... I didn't mean it when u said tht I wanted then dead... I was.... ?Angry? At those times  
And said things I didn't mean and??????? and got my emotion to the best of me???  .... I got kinda sad... Felt 
Like I was about to cry.. But I held it in...I do not whant my guinea pigs to die... I wanted to give them away... Bc ..
I knew that I am not a good at keeping them... Alive...  I only want what's best for them...

Weird day today

for some reason... im just not happy right now...im .. sad??...i dont know... i dont know of what but i just am.... and i dont like it.... .......................... today was.............. weird.......
first, all i could think of was G and this weird crazy imagination... in sunday class today.... one of the fancsies that i saw was that i woke up and me and G was living together, so i woke up, brushed my theeth, changed to go jogging and just jogged for an hour, then i came back ?home? took a showere, and go kissed G on his forehead, he was still sleeping, then i whent to go make him breakfast, when i was done, i whent into the room to wake G up, but then my phone rang, it was a guy and he was asking me out? it was weird, so i  said no, to freakking leave and stop anoying me, and then thats it........... it just stoped their...... i wanted to know what happened more but i dont know................ this other crazy fantasy was very weird....so the beacon said something about ?Jesus? doing something to someone and then light apeared on him, and then a white dove flew on his head? and some other stuff about something about evil??....so then weird things started to eapear in my head like cutting, suicide, and killing, and then all of a sudden me and my bro was in a chuch and everyone was... reaching their hands pointing to us, and then me and my bro started to float, then a white dove apear and light apear on my bro and then he landed down. but i stayed, and then a white dove came, but then a black crow too, then they started to fight, and then a whole bunch of crows came in. i then finally came down, but i looked all creepy, i had red eyes, sharp theet, and then i was on the cround, sorta crawling, and walsing scary..... it was scarry, then i started to stand strait, and look sad, and i looked at G and sometoher popel i forgot their faces, and started to cry, then the crows were surounding me and i was in the air. then these wings came out, one was angel looking, and the other was a devil like wing, and i was holding the white dove in my hand, the crows were taking me away and i looked back at G and was crying alot, then i looked forward and whent back to looking scarry, more stuff happend but it was scarry, then all of my scary monents from the past reaper through my head, and it made it seem as if something scary was that thing that made me woke up in the middle of the night, sometimes i would just think about stuff and sometimes cry, and other stuff made kinda sense , it was scary.....................
............................sooooooooo.... i whent to the deli, bought my self arizona and bro some things he wanted, so now he ows me 20$, then before i left, i wanted a  bacon gg and chese sandwich and got one, but i forgot to pay for it O.O so i got it for free O.O ......... i dont think i can go back their again........ or i can, but i have to pay then back the money.............. O.O
............... whent to Gaby's for lucnh it was sooooooooo good. i finally finished 2 slice of pizza, before, back then, i coudnt even finish one slice xD haha, on our way back home, we saw somewhat a strike??? idk, dad asked someone what it was and he said it a for a foundation for their palace........
......... wanted to play minecraft but bro ....... guess you could say blackmail????????? not really ......... (since i don know what it means) so i had to let him play it the whole day, when i got to play it, mom came to pick us up -__- but wutever................... ....................................................... i love it when my bro fights back from my mom xD he was like "oh, so you get yourself a 40$ worth of earings, spend thousand od money for clothes but you cant buy me a calculato?' xD hahaha it was funny, ....................................... i still have homework left that i didnt do -__- and i hate that.... not finishing my hw on friday and not having my sunday night free........... but wuteve,.................................................... kinda feel sad that my bro cant play minecraft................ but its not his account.. or mine..................... he keeps saying why not, but its............... to me it seems as if if i use G's account then.... im taking advantage of that.??????? i dont know, something like that. but yea....... if he want to play minecraft then why cant he just get himself his own.......... ("but i dont have a computer" he says, i just wanna freeking slap him, i mean, he just needs to ask for my moms old laptop and their!! she said that its his if she got a new laptop and she did, so i dont know why he just cant use that,.............. somethimes his shyness gets me soooooooo mad that i just what to slap him, of punh him soooo hard that he ends up in a haopital -__- ...... i mean, i undersatand him bc im shy too but, comon, this is ridicules!!! cant even do a simple task!!! yes i could do it for him, but then that means hes going to have to rely on people, i dont whant him like that........... its............ urrrrrrrrgggggggggghhh!!! i dont like it when i was like that............ this is sooo confusing,,,....................................................... im going to stop now -___-

the Gaby's pizza

this ........thingy................

^w^ SHHOOOO HAPPY

AUGUST 25, 2012

soo~... Giraffe came to my aunts party, and i was really happy... not sure if he had a great time like i did.. ... i think my family like him.. they were joking around with him, so i guess thats a good thing instead of ???dissaproving and ..not like him???  .... i dont know... ...sooo~.... ..... Skyla had one of those moody times and stuff(??? ) and i understand how she feels because i used to feel like that too.. but still.. she shoudnt say things like "ill  kill you" because she deosnt have it her way... shes becoming more spoiled and a brat even more............ and im to blame... im sorry... im such a bad influence....... ..........   .......... i didnt have as much fun as i thought i would have...

-  -  -  ~ ~ ~ ~  -  -  -

AUGUST 26, 2012

Ive always wanted to go out on a sunday, especially to go see Giraffe. And it happened ^v^ .  I had a great time today.. i just wanted to spend more time with him.. ... So i asked my mom if we were still going to go to the city tomorrow and she said maybe, usually that means no so i was kinda bumed out about that. But then i asked her again during dinner and she said yes ^v^ yay... soooooo~..... 

Ummm.. yea...

BLEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! x( ........... i only thought of what happened last night, i felt sad. ................. so i whent to the dentist and found out that i have another cavity(is that how you spell it???) it wasnt shocking. ............i was supposed to go walk with my friend, which i did, but i barley said anything.... i felt bad for that, im sorry, ... i coudnt stop thinking....... got home and i was tired, decided to take a nap but instead just had a chat with Giraffe... i liked talking like that, it was fun.... ................... ..................... sometimes i get scared to tell my mom thank you or i love you or wutever... kinda sad.... i dont know why... but yea... just am............................ .................................... i really want those things to just die or go away .....

Why do I have to be like this?

had a horrible night/morning?.. i dont know... i was so scared last night that i coudnt sleep till around 12, and then something woke me up at around 5... sometimes i get a feeling, a feeling where im scared.. but i dont know what im scared of... i dont know :p...................... so i basically just watched Pretty Little Liars today. Took a walk with NaNa today. I had fun. It was funny, hot, sweaty, and fun. Having that talk with her. I felt sumwat relive. To finally tell someone. I know i have many people to talk to, .. but its just that i.. dont really trust them that much. .. I want to tell Giraffe, but it just feels like.. im bothering him.. and its kinda stupid... but.. i dont know... its just bothering me for quite some time..... i guess this was the reason on why i think of ........ bad thoughts, look down on, i dont know... ..... BLEHHHHH!!!! xP ...................................................... so mom came home with a whole lot of junk food, why is it that she always brings the kind of food that im craving for at the wrong time?, ... so i told her that sometimes when i talk to her, it feels like she deosnt want to talk to me, pushes me away, and said that its because theirs alot of people wanting to talk to her? shes busy? but wutever, i get it, i understand.. but she could have at least tell me that instead of pushing me away, that just hurts the most.......
why is it that everytime someone ask me if im okay, i just start to... cry.... .............. all i have to say is that i love music....................

Grey, Black, and White!!!

i went to see the statue of liberty for the first time today with giraffe and his family. seeing the..?deck? reminded me of the last time i went their. the last time was........ .........lonely.......... . but today i had fun, i liked it. the clouds was okay, pretty cool. i loved the wind blowing on me, its the reason why i stand up the whole ride, but i felt sad that i didnt sumwat really spend time with giraffe... i was kinda expecting to smell the salt from the water, the sea salt, salty sea, salty water...... xD i had fun with his family, hahaha, so many pictures was taken. i never took so many pictures with my family in one day. ...................... i was scared to walk from the bus stop to my house so i had to keep talking to NaNa.when i got home it was so dark and quiet, it seemed as if no one was home, i got even more scared but kinda happy but sad..... if that made any sense. .... ...... even thou i had a great time today, at the end of the day, i felt all ...................lonely......... empty..........scared..........sad............ i dont know........................................ i keep getting this weird feeling..... i dont know how to explain it,.. or define it ..or tell it ..or wutever! i just dont know........................ sometimes,.... i dont feel like myself.......... its weird............. i dont know what to do...... ....... this isnt the first time this happened to me, ... its been coming and going recently and alot............. ............... i really dont know................  ......... today was awesome ,.. thats all i have to say.........

others

July 3,4,5, 2012

Teusday, July 3: Went with my mom to do errands with her. then went to the park and played with R.C.Cars, started watching Murder Princess and finished it.

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Wednesday, July4: Stayed home, started watching Future diary and finished it, spent the whole day watching it hahaha, im such a lazy girl. waiting for Flippy to..talk. Didnt do the task i was suppose to do for my uncle.. went out for a walk at night with my mom and walked my dog, got bitten almost everywhere, it isches soo musch, theirs so many big bumps >.< hahaha and also watched a some fireworks.. reminds me of all the times i spent July 4 with my Family.. i missed it soooo much.. got sad.. thinking.. of... i guess you could say of how much ive grown?..

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Thursday, July 5: stayed home watching this drama ive watched already bc bro wanted to watch it, finished the whole drama >.< haha my bro was like ".. i know why you like to watch dramas now" >.< hahaha "Hearthstrings" or sumthing like that is wut the drama is called, at the first ep, the theme song came and all of a sudden my bro was humming to it and he was so shocked and was wondering how he knew the song, then he remembered that i watched it b4 hahaha >.< was hoping Flippy would.. say sumthing? ..Didnt do the task i was suppose to do for my uncle.. -__-

Monday, July 2, 2012

Went jogging with Flippy, got tired so fast, barley did any jogging haha, its been a while,.. i need to jog more -__- .. then took a shower at his house, felt awkward at first but then felt.. sumwut.. comfortable, i guess you could say that. then cuddled together with him >w< and fell asleep, got home later than usual but it was worth it hahaha. mom got into a fight with the landlord, must have been a big one and important cuz shes.. sumwut kicking us out of the house.. gotto help mom look for some appartments.. -__- and i was just getting comfortable with this house, i love my room.. its so clean,.. but not right now.. its messy >.< hahaha uncled called to ask if i could do him a favor, said yes, didnt do it,

H.O.T. Day Today -__-

When i woke up this morning, i was sweating soo much -_- went for a walk with my mom: walked my dog around the block, dropped him home, then walked to the 99cent store and took the long way back. i was sweating so much too. then i did some exercise with her. For lunch, i had beef? omelette, rice, and dumplings >w< i like dumplings. i cleaned the house (wash the dishes, vacuum the house) wile my mom did her nails. took a long cold shower. got ready for my bro's graduation. wanted to wear normal clothes but my mom insisted on wearing a dress, i didnt have one so i borrowed hers. -__- it was sumwut uncomfortable to wear... she said one of the girl sounded like a chimpmuck >.< hahaha. then we went to queens mall to eat at steackhouse or sumthing like that for my bros dinner. it was good... fatening though... went shoping for a bit and my favorite grandma bought my shorts. wen home and its sooo hot -__- i want the ac to be on -__-

Another Speech -_-

i guess my mom had been telling about wut shes so... bothered by to my aunt cuz she just came out of nowhere and gave me a long talk on how its dangerous to be out, that theirs alot of crazy people out their that can kidnap me or kill me, that i should tell my mom were im going and with whom, etc. 

... but now that i think of it,... i guess its true... its such a simple thing and yet i dont do it -__- this is my faul, im the one in the wrong, im wrong... -__-

Fun Day Today ^v^

Took the Living enviroment regents today. it... was... okay, i guess, the algebra regents was even harder for me, so yea... >w< went to Flippy's house and took the GREATEST nap ever in my life so far haha ^v^ I walked my dog for about 2 hours >_< haha, i was talking to a friend wile that happened, walking my dog was just an excuse to get out of the house haha xP poor Maxie thou, he was sooooooo tired, panting really hard, walking for so long in the hot in all the fur for 2 hours, sorry sorrry :( brought him back then walked my friend home, i was suppose to just go half, but we met some old friends on the way, and got distracted by the birds haha >w< it was fun, im so tired, but that was good exercise :3
HaHa im grounded but i still went out >_< i mean, im already out so y go back home? ... wutever
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... still not happy that Flippy read my blog... but wutever... its worse bc i dont even remember wut the heck i wrote on this blog... but i can tell its embarising. UGH!!! X(
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walked for three hours non stop, had fun with the birds today >w< HaHa  :3

Why Am I Grounded?

I was suppose to be looking out for my moms package since i missed it on friday, but instead i went out.... my mom is (dont know how much) angry and wont talk to me :O my bro is being a dumbass saying hes disapointed in me but hes the one who snitched me out XP (im going to remember this u putang ina!!!) but i guess its my fault for not telling her that i went out instead, but if i did, wouldnt she tell me to stay? i dont know, i dont know. it was worth it thoug. i dont even know why im grounded, but it was all worth it haha.
woke up at 9 and my friend called, she really wanted to hang out with me but i said no, so she kept on talking and talking, haha, but i dont mind, i owe her... i guesse... or probally i do >_< haha. went out to meet Flippy and had a... fun time >_< hahaha.... i like eating that chicken thingy XD lol, its very tasty >w< and the bubble tea was awsome. came home and wanted to play xbox with my bro, but he ruined the disk Skyrim by putting peanutbutter on it xD haha but i guess it was okay since i have to study for that stupid regents tommorow
DIE you S-T-U-P-I-D geanipig!!!
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 RANDOM PIC >w< HaHaHa

Crying Does Help

crying really does help... just to cry your feelings out... its hard for me to talk to people about my feelings, about me, wuts going on, how im doing, how i really feel (yes, i know i said it twice). i try but i just cant. and it doesnt even seem like im even trying but i am... im sorry... but this stupid me just dont like to show how i really feel, im just a fake, a phoney girl. 

i dont talk bc i dont want to complain about something so stupid, something so small, so i just make myself all weird, all different so that wenever someone ask me how im really feeling and stuff i just talk about all the things that doesnt really bother me, but when i talk about it it suddenly does bothers me so im not technally lying. i try not to lie... but it just comes out so smoothly, i just cant stop, im sorry. i wish i could have someone to talk to... someone to really talk about wuts going in my head, how im really feeling in my heart... but the only way that could happen is if your a total stranger to me and  have no connections in my real life... but then once you know about me, i stop bc u know me too much... i dont really want to be known too much, i rtther know the other person more than that person knows me, but all people wants it to know me, how i really am (dont want to explain) and stuff... all i seem to do is iritate people... i cant seem to make people really happy, it seems as if all the people around me PRETENDS that their having a good time when they really dont... i dont know... thats just how i feel... people thinks that im pretending to have a good time when i actually am (sometimes) i try to be happy, since me being all sad and stuff makes people mad and stuff. 

i just really want to be trully happy, to trully have fun, to not worry, to not care if things goes wrong

im sorry if this deonst make sense, but this is just how i feel...

Happy Fathers Day

So today i fathers day as you know it and i didnt get to see him today. But I dont really care. He finally told me were he was and wut he was doing and stuff but im not sure if i belive him. Sorry.
So today i really wanted to talk to Flippy, but we didnt really have a conversation. Just doing some random stuff, i guess its my fault.