Life Is Good vs. Life Is Not Good

"What is happiness? What does it mean to smile from the bottom of my hearth? Why do they care whether i'm happy or not? Why can't they just worry about them self? Why can't they just worry about their own happiness? Why must they try to make me happy? Don't they know that one things for sure is that if their happy, i'm happy? I want people to be happy, to feel good, to have a good time when i'm around or when their with me. ... I don't want people to regret it... Maybe.. if i pretend to be happy enough, ill actually believe i'm happy.. but the problem is.. that i have to feel at least the slightest amount of that feeling.. to use that emotion to hide how i really feel... it happened a few times... i haven't even thought of cutting my self... but now.... .. i.. want to.. i'm thinking about it.. i feel like it's the only thing that can make me feel better.. to keep my mind out of the things that makes me sad."
(^what i wrote i'm my "book/journal" this morning...)
reading this now makes me sad to even think about it... but it is true... i.. ..i know that i'm not the only one who feels sad and etc. and that their are worst out their and other stuff... but... .. i don't know... i feel like i don't know anything anymore.. that i don't know anything.... i would ask... and its probably wrong and probably i'm working up so much over nothing... but.. its just.. making.. me ... i don't know... ... maybe i'm more scared of knowing than not knowing..... i think i would rather know .. but... i don't know... what if it is right? what if... ... i don't know... what if it was right... and then i cant do anything.. i cant tell anyone how i really feel... i .. get scared... i don't know why... but... i guess i am...  ... ... what am i scared of? ... i don't know... i don't even know... its hard for me to even know how i feel..... .. stupid right? ... i know.. .. not! i don' know!! I DONT KNOW ANYTHING!!! ugh!!! ........... ..... i don't know.........................................................................................................................................
... probably the feeling when i say i don't know is actually emptiness?? what if that anger is actually jealousy? WHat iS jealousy? what does it mean to be jealous? ............ maybe that sadness is also loneliness.. i know that their are a lot of people their, that their is sooo many of them to  help me, to comfort me.... but.................... i don't know... ................................. .. i don't like  questions that doesn't have an answer to it.. my curiosity will eat me up.. trying to figure what it is... .. i like to know everything... ................... everything.... ..................................i don't like knowing that i only know a little bit of information... ... if i have at least one speck of info.. i .. my curiosity will try to figure out what if is, what it all is.. what is everything......... ....................... thinking makes me think a lot... but after a wile... all of a sudden .. i .. just forget.. i forget everything...... i don't know what is happening or what i was thinking about and etc.... i like when that happens... because then i don't have to worry about anything... .... .... the more i write/type.. the more i forget...
... this place was suppose to be like a journal... a ?diary?.. just something to write/type about what happened in my life so that i wont forget... since my memory skills is horrible...to keep track... ..... but soon... it became a place where i can just write/type whatever it is that was bugging me.. thats bothering me.. thats worrying me... the things that i cant tell people...then.. it become a place where i go to when im sad.......... but now.... .. its............... ... not helping... at least before.... ... probably... because i wasn't feeling like how i used to feel... how i felt before i met him... i was happy for a wile.. he made me happy... i smile just thinking about him... but............. i.....now.. i feel..... i don't know...... .. i don't know... ... .................................... maybe i'm just worrying too much.... worrying over something thats... unimportant...