I say things that I don't mean

... So ... My guinea pig ... Two of them died.. :'( .... The first one.. Vanilla, who was almost like an albino..
I think it died bc it was too cold and she was skinny... It happend on Saturday, November 3, 2012, around 
1o'clock pm. ... The storm was coming to an end.. And I was at church during that time.. It had been 5-6 years
Since I last whent to that church.. Everyone remembered me and I had to admit I was happy... I though that they 
Would forget me and stuff and be like "who ate you?" Which some did, and think I was new or someone who 
Came to their anneversery... They moved to a new place... I went to see how they were doing and bc my 
Grandma told me that they ask about me and etc. but as I met some people... They reminded me why I 
Stopped going their.. At least I think that's why... I think their was another reason... I also whent to the church 
To remember some memories... ... .. So.. Once it was starting .. I felt left out.. Excluded... So I went and sat 
All the way at the back all by myself. ... ... As the thing went on.. I got a message .. Saying that their was bad 
News and that Vanilla had died an hour ago (died around 1:00) I got kinda sad... Then my bro went and said 
That it was my wish.... ......... I got even more sad... And even more as they were talking and it seemed as if they 
Forgot that I can read what they were saying and soon I started to cry... I tried to stop... But... I coudnt control 
It anymore... The tears kept flowing out and was dripping on my sweater... I was about to cry really loud or 
Ugly cry but I tried to stop it... It was hard... ... What they said really gutted me... I .. Didn't know what to  do
.. Say... Whatever... And no one was their to comfort me... And... The one I really wanted to talk to.. I was 
Afraid.. To even check up on what that person was doing.. I was just sitting their at the back all alone crying  
To myself... But of course that wasn't the only reason why I was crying so much... It was other stuff... Stuff 
That I keep in... From before... ... I tend to do that... When something bothers me or stuff.. I.. Would think 
About it first... I want to tell someone.. Mostly that one person... But I would always... ... You could say 
Chicken out... It was always hard for me to express my emotions, thoughts, opinions, etc to people... 
I guess it's just that I don't want to bother that person... Make that person worry... I don't want people to do 
That to me... I don't want to be in the center of attraction.. To be thought of badly... I .. Didn't want to rely 
On people to much... I would rather have it the other way around... But when that happens... I just don't know 
What to do... I'm no help... I'm so useless... And I know that's a fact and that others think of it too... It.. Feels 
As if I am complaining so much on something useless... Complaining to much... To that person... And I 
That person tells me that if I was that that persons would tell me... But... It's just... ... So... Ugh... I don't know 
To explain it... To me it just feels that way and that affects my actions... ... So... As I sat their... Crying... I ...
Complained to the only person that was their and the person that everyone told me that would always be their 
And told me that talkin to him would feel better and nice and etc... I was asking him why? I think... That's 
All I remember... ... So I tried to pay attention to what was hapening and it got my mind off of those stuff...
At the end of the day... I kinda got better when people remembered me and was complementing me... I accepted  
Them bc... It made me feel better at that time... And they made me feel ... Welcomed... ... A feeling that I never 
Felt when I was their before... It .. Was nice...  At some point... I coudnt take it so I just called that person...
I tried to tell that person what had happend and how I felt... But... I coudnt ... It was kinda awkword cuz I 
Was silent for a wile.. And I knew that I was wasting time ... Which I knew that that person hated... So... 
I just... ... ....... I don't know.. I don't remember... ... .............. At some point a friend tried to make me feel better...
But... I think it just made it worse... But I appreciated it that friend tried .....  ... ....... It was at the night of the 
Election Day... I went to check up on them... Since.... I didn't feed them in the morning and feed them at night
...  I found that the other guinea pug was ... Sick... On the verge of dying... I was kinda sad... As I was trying 
To feed the other guys... They were running around... And stripping on him .. It was mean.. So I stopped right 
Away.... My bro yelled at me... I hate being yelled at it someone yelling at another person... And called me 
Stupid and stuff which I also hate ( I know I am stupid and stuff snd it's okay if they make fun of it... But I just 
Don't like being yelled at belie being called stupid... )  it got me sad... I said that I didn't care meaning I didn't 
Care about feeding them and for him to do it instead but hW thought I said tht I don't care about the guinea pig 
But I did... I got even more sad...  ... I tried to hold bak the tears bc I feel as if I am crying too much and 
That I am running away .. Which I'm not... ... I ... Was holding it in... I wanted to cry in the arms of the one 
I want... But I coudnt... ... In the morning... Chocolate (also known as ChoCho) died... I was sad... But I knew 
It was going to happen... ..... I tried to take it out of the cage and put it in a box ... But my fear kept getting to 
Me... I didn't want to do it and wanted to stop... But... I didn't want to live In fear... And I didn't want to keep  
On running away... So......... I did what I had to do....... ................. At night... ... Mom got angry at me... She 
Got upset... Very upset... ................. At the end... She said that I had gotten what I want... But that wasn't what 
I wanted... I didn't mean it... I didn't mean it when u said tht I wanted then dead... I was.... ?Angry? At those times  
And said things I didn't mean and??????? and got my emotion to the best of me???  .... I got kinda sad... Felt 
Like I was about to cry.. But I held it in...I do not whant my guinea pigs to die... I wanted to give them away... Bc ..
I knew that I am not a good at keeping them... Alive...  I only want what's best for them...