Life Is Good vs. Life Is Not Good

"What is happiness? What does it mean to smile from the bottom of my hearth? Why do they care whether i'm happy or not? Why can't they just worry about them self? Why can't they just worry about their own happiness? Why must they try to make me happy? Don't they know that one things for sure is that if their happy, i'm happy? I want people to be happy, to feel good, to have a good time when i'm around or when their with me. ... I don't want people to regret it... Maybe.. if i pretend to be happy enough, ill actually believe i'm happy.. but the problem is.. that i have to feel at least the slightest amount of that feeling.. to use that emotion to hide how i really feel... it happened a few times... i haven't even thought of cutting my self... but now.... .. i.. want to.. i'm thinking about it.. i feel like it's the only thing that can make me feel better.. to keep my mind out of the things that makes me sad."
(^what i wrote i'm my "book/journal" this morning...)
reading this now makes me sad to even think about it... but it is true... i.. ..i know that i'm not the only one who feels sad and etc. and that their are worst out their and other stuff... but... .. i don't know... i feel like i don't know anything anymore.. that i don't know anything.... i would ask... and its probably wrong and probably i'm working up so much over nothing... but.. its just.. making.. me ... i don't know... ... maybe i'm more scared of knowing than not knowing..... i think i would rather know .. but... i don't know... what if it is right? what if... ... i don't know... what if it was right... and then i cant do anything.. i cant tell anyone how i really feel... i .. get scared... i don't know why... but... i guess i am...  ... ... what am i scared of? ... i don't know... i don't even know... its hard for me to even know how i feel..... .. stupid right? ... i know.. .. not! i don' know!! I DONT KNOW ANYTHING!!! ugh!!! ........... ..... i don't know.........................................................................................................................................
... probably the feeling when i say i don't know is actually emptiness?? what if that anger is actually jealousy? WHat iS jealousy? what does it mean to be jealous? ............ maybe that sadness is also loneliness.. i know that their are a lot of people their, that their is sooo many of them to  help me, to comfort me.... but.................... i don't know... ................................. .. i don't like  questions that doesn't have an answer to it.. my curiosity will eat me up.. trying to figure what it is... .. i like to know everything... ................... everything.... ..................................i don't like knowing that i only know a little bit of information... ... if i have at least one speck of info.. i .. my curiosity will try to figure out what if is, what it all is.. what is everything......... ....................... thinking makes me think a lot... but after a wile... all of a sudden .. i .. just forget.. i forget everything...... i don't know what is happening or what i was thinking about and etc.... i like when that happens... because then i don't have to worry about anything... .... .... the more i write/type.. the more i forget...
... this place was suppose to be like a journal... a ?diary?.. just something to write/type about what happened in my life so that i wont forget... since my memory skills is horrible...to keep track... ..... but soon... it became a place where i can just write/type whatever it is that was bugging me.. thats bothering me.. thats worrying me... the things that i cant tell people...then.. it become a place where i go to when im sad.......... but now.... .. its............... ... not helping... at least before.... ... probably... because i wasn't feeling like how i used to feel... how i felt before i met him... i was happy for a wile.. he made me happy... i smile just thinking about him... but............. i.....now.. i feel..... i don't know...... .. i don't know... ... .................................... maybe i'm just worrying too much.... worrying over something thats... unimportant...

Little By Little

i did something i had never done before... i looked over and read my post... i never do that.... never... till now...... all i have to say is... that ive changed.... not that much though, little by little...

Random

i can choose to either ignore/forget what happened and move along or get angry/mad/pissed about it. and when i get sooo freaking mad, i will do all that i can to make that person sooo freaking miserable, i will torture that person as much as i can. and since i wont give a freak, i woudnt care if i get in trouble or whatever, i will just do as i I. please. ......sometimes... i think about ...being ...really mean... i guess you could say... ....................... forget about this... watever...
...... regret..... R.E.gret.... this word........ ... ive been thinking about it for a very long time... i cant get it out.... whenever i forget, their will be something that will make me remeber... ..........
being called a bully kinda hurts.... but i would still laugh at it...
i would still laugh at the things that bothered me... i just dont want others to be worried and etc....
but it deos feel nice when someone says sorry for something that they thing is... "fcked up" even though i was used to it or watever... it... kinda make me happy that they even remembered that aftre its been so long and said sorry and stuff and ....... yea............
explaining thins is so hard...............
 explaining things at my perspectice is dificult..............
ever since i saw those movies, ive been scared... to be even more alone....
sometimes it feels as if im alone even though their is a lot of ppl around or/and know that im not alone...
life...........
twilight...... .... i feel bad for saying... what that was the new movie...uhhh... forgot what it was called even thoug i sumwat knew... not really... just forgot at that time... but still..
im lazzyy...
i wonder which one i would prefer, to b scared of not knowing or scared of knowing..... worded weirdly but wutever....
i try not to thin kabout it... but ... how can i when its here..... its stupid to hate.... for a long time....
........ wutever...
i like those who feel confident about them selves
i find it preety cool
ans awesome
...

The smell of death

yesterday morning, as i went to feed the rest of the guinea pigs, i noticed that the other one is .. acting all weird.. kinda expected it to die when i got home but it was still a shock to me... its sad....

.... my weekend was horrible... didnt like it ... felt.. kinda sad.. ofter i heard those.. thingies... its bothering me for the past couple or few days now, and its not just that thats bothering me now, it was other stuff too,... more sh-stuff was............. ... wateevr .. dont feel like saying it or watevr......... i............... i just want to forget about all this... .........kinda did a little but........ ughhh................... ........... 

... bro is anoyying me so freaking much... i just wanna.... like..... ...........hmmm................... even though i want to do those things that im thinking right now, i wont do it so i cant really say it............ i guess the better and nicer way .. is making him cry...... but then i still feel bad at the end when he was the one in the wrong..... but wutever...... im mostly the one who always have to apoligize or clean up or watever even though others were in the wrong and not me... .....wutever........... wutever is all i have to say... just gotta live with it..........

..............................

funny how i have so much of thought im thinking right now and i only say/introduce/wutever this little..
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so... my mom left the dead siblings in a box.. it started to stink up my room.... it smelled soooooo bad..... mom had to put it in a few plastic bags and had to spray some wutever its called that makes things smell nice sooo much for the past few days...........
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...
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i like being different. you stand out more, and your not .. plain... original...the same... i consider being weird as being different , and i take that as a compliment. ... i lke to be someone that youll have to remember... ... i dont want to be forgotten... you know.... .... i dont know............. nevermind...........
...

I say things that I don't mean

... So ... My guinea pig ... Two of them died.. :'( .... The first one.. Vanilla, who was almost like an albino..
I think it died bc it was too cold and she was skinny... It happend on Saturday, November 3, 2012, around 
1o'clock pm. ... The storm was coming to an end.. And I was at church during that time.. It had been 5-6 years
Since I last whent to that church.. Everyone remembered me and I had to admit I was happy... I though that they 
Would forget me and stuff and be like "who ate you?" Which some did, and think I was new or someone who 
Came to their anneversery... They moved to a new place... I went to see how they were doing and bc my 
Grandma told me that they ask about me and etc. but as I met some people... They reminded me why I 
Stopped going their.. At least I think that's why... I think their was another reason... I also whent to the church 
To remember some memories... ... .. So.. Once it was starting .. I felt left out.. Excluded... So I went and sat 
All the way at the back all by myself. ... ... As the thing went on.. I got a message .. Saying that their was bad 
News and that Vanilla had died an hour ago (died around 1:00) I got kinda sad... Then my bro went and said 
That it was my wish.... ......... I got even more sad... And even more as they were talking and it seemed as if they 
Forgot that I can read what they were saying and soon I started to cry... I tried to stop... But... I coudnt control 
It anymore... The tears kept flowing out and was dripping on my sweater... I was about to cry really loud or 
Ugly cry but I tried to stop it... It was hard... ... What they said really gutted me... I .. Didn't know what to  do
.. Say... Whatever... And no one was their to comfort me... And... The one I really wanted to talk to.. I was 
Afraid.. To even check up on what that person was doing.. I was just sitting their at the back all alone crying  
To myself... But of course that wasn't the only reason why I was crying so much... It was other stuff... Stuff 
That I keep in... From before... ... I tend to do that... When something bothers me or stuff.. I.. Would think 
About it first... I want to tell someone.. Mostly that one person... But I would always... ... You could say 
Chicken out... It was always hard for me to express my emotions, thoughts, opinions, etc to people... 
I guess it's just that I don't want to bother that person... Make that person worry... I don't want people to do 
That to me... I don't want to be in the center of attraction.. To be thought of badly... I .. Didn't want to rely 
On people to much... I would rather have it the other way around... But when that happens... I just don't know 
What to do... I'm no help... I'm so useless... And I know that's a fact and that others think of it too... It.. Feels 
As if I am complaining so much on something useless... Complaining to much... To that person... And I 
That person tells me that if I was that that persons would tell me... But... It's just... ... So... Ugh... I don't know 
To explain it... To me it just feels that way and that affects my actions... ... So... As I sat their... Crying... I ...
Complained to the only person that was their and the person that everyone told me that would always be their 
And told me that talkin to him would feel better and nice and etc... I was asking him why? I think... That's 
All I remember... ... So I tried to pay attention to what was hapening and it got my mind off of those stuff...
At the end of the day... I kinda got better when people remembered me and was complementing me... I accepted  
Them bc... It made me feel better at that time... And they made me feel ... Welcomed... ... A feeling that I never 
Felt when I was their before... It .. Was nice...  At some point... I coudnt take it so I just called that person...
I tried to tell that person what had happend and how I felt... But... I coudnt ... It was kinda awkword cuz I 
Was silent for a wile.. And I knew that I was wasting time ... Which I knew that that person hated... So... 
I just... ... ....... I don't know.. I don't remember... ... .............. At some point a friend tried to make me feel better...
But... I think it just made it worse... But I appreciated it that friend tried .....  ... ....... It was at the night of the 
Election Day... I went to check up on them... Since.... I didn't feed them in the morning and feed them at night
...  I found that the other guinea pug was ... Sick... On the verge of dying... I was kinda sad... As I was trying 
To feed the other guys... They were running around... And stripping on him .. It was mean.. So I stopped right 
Away.... My bro yelled at me... I hate being yelled at it someone yelling at another person... And called me 
Stupid and stuff which I also hate ( I know I am stupid and stuff snd it's okay if they make fun of it... But I just 
Don't like being yelled at belie being called stupid... )  it got me sad... I said that I didn't care meaning I didn't 
Care about feeding them and for him to do it instead but hW thought I said tht I don't care about the guinea pig 
But I did... I got even more sad...  ... I tried to hold bak the tears bc I feel as if I am crying too much and 
That I am running away .. Which I'm not... ... I ... Was holding it in... I wanted to cry in the arms of the one 
I want... But I coudnt... ... In the morning... Chocolate (also known as ChoCho) died... I was sad... But I knew 
It was going to happen... ..... I tried to take it out of the cage and put it in a box ... But my fear kept getting to 
Me... I didn't want to do it and wanted to stop... But... I didn't want to live In fear... And I didn't want to keep  
On running away... So......... I did what I had to do....... ................. At night... ... Mom got angry at me... She 
Got upset... Very upset... ................. At the end... She said that I had gotten what I want... But that wasn't what 
I wanted... I didn't mean it... I didn't mean it when u said tht I wanted then dead... I was.... ?Angry? At those times  
And said things I didn't mean and??????? and got my emotion to the best of me???  .... I got kinda sad... Felt 
Like I was about to cry.. But I held it in...I do not whant my guinea pigs to die... I wanted to give them away... Bc ..
I knew that I am not a good at keeping them... Alive...  I only want what's best for them...