I Wonder

Its been a wile since i last been here.. i just didnt know what to do... i dont know who to talk to...
First thing first.. why do i have so many viewers here? its over 1000.. and the last time i posted something it was about 100-200... im shocked... like, why and how are people reading this? about some random persons they dont know and reading/listening to their problems and/or success? i find it weird..
So.. two nights ago i just got dumped by my boyfriend whom i have loved very much.. but i guess i didn't show it or didnt show it as much.. .. im really sad and have no idea what to do.. i really wish we could get back together.. i keep waking up thinking its was all a dream.. but sadly it wasnt. We have been together for almost a year.  in about a few weeks is our anniversary..
ugh.. i hate it.. why did he do that? i wonder.. i dont think its because of what he said..
the first time he said it, i knew he was being serious but i kept thinking and acting as if it was a joke.. i kept repeating the same question " are you sure" and stuff like that and he repeatedly said yes. i got sooo sad after.. i didnt know what to do. but i didnt want to show ( i dont even know who i am trying to fool cuz it was just me in a very lonely dark room) that it bothered me as much..
i knew this would happen, that he would leave, i knew from the begining.. thats why i didnt really try to care much about the relationship. but then he noticed, or got sad or mad that i wasnt trying so.. i did it.. took the relationship for real.. and now that i care for it (the relationship and especially him) soo much.. he did it.. he ended it..
the next morning after the broke up, i though, or tried to belive it was a dream.. but it wasnt.. i cant change it no mater what. I called him because thats waht i always do in the morning and he said that i can or schould stop , i dont remmebr because i was mostly trying not to cry.  i was really sad and didnt want to go to school, but i have to no mater what so.. i tried to be late on purpose because my first class i have is with him... and i really didnt want to see him. i didnt want to start crying. i dont like showing anyone me crying.. . so, i went to me third class, gym. i was changing and my friend soon came ( her locker is on top of mine) she noticed that i was .. sad, and down, and asked what was wrong, and this is where i started crying so much. so i creid and she saw and ofcoure tried to cheer me up, she soon forced me to telling what was wrong and when i told her, she was saying how hes a jerk and stuff then she dropped me off to my gym class. i stoped crying and tried to be .. "happy", or "okay". i guessed it worked because she didnt know i was sad until my friend told her. then another friend came and asked what was wrong. they told her and she tried to cheer me up. the offered to drop me off to my next class and on the way their.. i saw him.. i looked away because i started to cry, alot. i was in front of my class and coudnt stop, but my teacher told me to come in so i forced myself to stop and to try to enjoy it. ..
then, during the start of lunch, i went to finish my math project with my group. i was glad and trying to waste time because i didnt want to see him in luch and i didnt know where else to go.
sooner or later, i had to go to the cafeteria.. i went to sit down my normal seat.. and just sat their.. my friends sitting on the table didnt know and i wanted it that way. but then my friend form earlier wanted to talk to me. she said that he was looking for me.. i got a bit sad but i was okay.
later.. i saw where he was.. i got sadder.. i was about to cry but i tried not to.... then he switched his seat and showed his back at me... i coudnt hold anymore so i started to cry.. but not much.
i then realize that i have my bid teddy bear friend to talk to. i tell him some of my stuff. hes like my mini  personal diary human. but.. unfortunatlely he wasnt their because he has lab.. his gf was.. she gave me a hug and said something, i dont remeber because i kept crying. she said she could take me to him after lunch. so we did. but the bell didnt ring yet and i coudnt hold it in anymore.. so i cired.. in the halway.. so much.. with so much people looking and asking wahts wrong. my friend came out and asked what was wrong, his gf told him and he got mad, he started saying bad stuff about him but he wasnt cursing. hes a good friend. soon one of the adults or teacher came and asked whats wrong, i couldt stop crying, so he just went to get my guidance counselor. i said no and that i wanted to go to class but i coundt move.. i coudnt stand up..
my guidance counselor came and took my to his office, i pulled my friend with me. he said they had to go to class and left. one of my teacher was their so she started asking what was wrong. my guidance counselor went to go get someone. i didnt want to talk so i just kept silence crying. she offered up some cookies she made and i took one. soon someone who specialize in relationships came and for some reason.. i started talking.. but not as much. the period ended and i wanted to go to class, so she dropped me off. he was their so i tried not to look at him or at that direction. but i could still see him even though im not looking straight at him. i saw that he and my friend was talking. my other friend who sits next to me said that he kept looking back and said that she thinks  that he feels terrible becouse he was .. scratching his head. i didnt know what to think or say to that.. the next period came..
in the end, i cried because more people found out and started saying things like " its okay" " forget about him" " hes a jerk" "youl find someone else" and etc. i cant controll it when people keep bringing it up. im trying to forget but they keep reminding me..
so i stayed after school because of science family night. i had to and i wanted to because 1) i volunteered to help and 2) i wanted to do something to forget about it. but the thing was.. it doesnt start till 6:30 and the preperation didnt start till 6.
till 4:40-6 i had done nothing but cry... i coudnt stop. i can tell my friends were anoyed but i coudnt help my self. they woudnt leave me alone too so.. yeah..
the event started and i at least stoped crying. but i coudnt stop thinking about him, and the past, and the break up and etc.
but in the end i had fun. haha, i stayed in school till 8
i didnt get home till 9 and right away i ate dinner. i had a huge plate because i thought it would help.
but i guess it did too.
morning again and i still thought that i was a dream ( the break up) . i fotgot i had lab so i went in before 5 minutes the period ended. he came up to me and said hi.
the next class.. i was just standing their minding my own buisness, ( i forgot what i was thinking about) then he came and started talking, my other friend was their too, i wasnt really paying attention to the conversation. then, all of a sudden he put his hands on my cheeks, i got so sad and i imediatly pushed him away.. i dont know if that was good or bad... it was an instinct. i wanted to cry but i didnt want him to see so i kept it in.
soon came gym. i especially did not feel like doing anything.. i was too sad.
then came a friend. he heard about the break up. when he came in, he walked straight up to me and gave me chocolate. it was to cheer me up. he and me didnt want to do anything so we started to talk. he seemed cool and funny. but i had always though of him like that since last year.
the period before lunch... my .. i dont know, i guess chest or heart was feeling weird. i knew why thoug. i just didnt want to see him. i was lucky i found my good friend and i brought him and his gf to this room where the adults specialize in something to do with making kids feel better. it felt nice their...
it felt ...safe.
my friends wanted to go eat so i went with them.. i didnt want to be alone... and also i wanted to see him T^T . right before she turned the handle, my chest was pounding so hard. i got soo scared.. but i had to deal with it.
soon came math. i wanted to know why he broke up with me, i dont think that its because i didnt listen.. i feel like its something more than that. he said a few stuff but i didnt really listen to him.. i heard him, but i didnt listen.
i got bored and was getting sad so... x) i started to draw on the desk... at the end of the period... HALF of the table was filled with stars. ... i dont know why stars though...
i didnt want to go to my next class so i ditch :O
i was waiting at the bus stop..... and then.. this feeling.. came to me. .. it was so sad.. it felt so sad. i hadnt cried the whole day till here.. so i started to cry.. a friend noticed and stoped me, but when she left, i coudnt hold it so i whent to hide between a car and a bush and just cried.. it was soom becoming a "ugly" cry ... i knew my cries from the day before were just me trying to hold it back, but this one was.. me going all out.. i stoped for a wile becouse i remebered that the reason i hadnt cried the whole day was becouse i didnt want to cry for him... but i coudnt hold it and their were some people around so i started to walk.. i cried wile i was walking.. soon i didnt realized that i was walking so far nonstop. i ended up to where i have to take my second bus. it was pretty far i guess.
..what hurts the most is not the break up... it was that he seemed as if it was okay and nothing had happend, how he was happy still. "feels terrible"? yeah right! JERK! i coudnt call him anything else, i just kept calling him a jerk in my head.
i really want to talk to him... but i dont know what.. i want to get back together.. i want to know .. i want to know why... Why?.. WHY?!?
..he made a promise.. i cant remeber if he really promised of just said it.. but he made a promise............. i wonder if he remembers it...